At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Fight
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
