At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
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My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
A short story about romance.
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
A roof is a house hat.