At least when I talk to myself here, people don’t look at me funny.
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Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
very niche meme I made
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
