At least when I talk to myself here, people don’t look at me funny.
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Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.