At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
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Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.