Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

ㅤ

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead