Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?