Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

step 6: release the wall snake

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

idk flipping houses looks really hard

How does one answer this?

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”