[gets pulled over by the cops]
Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.
Me: check the trunk.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Me: I hate this. The bears freak me out.
Him: Babe don’t be silly.
Bear, textin from right outside my tent at 3am: u up?
him: I love indiana jones movies
me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg
steven spielberg’s wife: hello
“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK