@joshgondelman

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

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@northcoastkevin

[gets pulled over by the cops]

Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.

Me: check the trunk.

@KalvinMacleod

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

@shadygrenade

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

@iamspacegirl

CAMPING

Me: I hate this. The bears freak me out.

Him: Babe don’t be silly.

[later]

Bear, textin from right outside my tent at 3am: u up?

@mrjohndarby

him: I love indiana jones movies

me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg

him: awesome

[later]
him: hi

steven spielberg’s wife: hello

@Gooooats

“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.

@esc_key

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

@007Rex_Inc

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

@CherBear162

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK