“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
🤣🤣
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.