Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

Jus’ sayin. 😐

hey, alexa

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.