Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Can’t. Being lazy.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

Husband of the year 😂

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”