Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

How high do the levels go?

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

You might just have to resign…

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Why am I like this?

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.