[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
You Might Also Like
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Strange
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods