[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
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stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels