Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
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Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
No officer I didn’t mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.