[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
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Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage