Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.