Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.