Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns