Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Oh we’ve met.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.