Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

😏😏😏

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

pictures of spider-man

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE