[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
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Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.