Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

me to God

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches