Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old