Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Fiction has to make sense.

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.