Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

*grabs bag of lettuce*

Lettuce: Finally, she’s going to use me!

*picks up cupcake container that was under it, sets lettuce back down, and closes refrigerator door*

Lettuce: Jerk.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?