At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
<—- homeless romantic
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets