[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
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Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
I went from rags to one rag.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
The smoothest fall of all time
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”