[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
You Might Also Like
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Vodka burrito was a success
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.