At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

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Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?


Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like


I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down


[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*


My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!

Me: Because my bed is at home.


Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you’re just grateful they’re not yours.


(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay


[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]


My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”