@That_Damn_Duck

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

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@causticbob

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

@Kids_kubed

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

@LuvPug

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

@Book_Krazy

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

@TEXASVETERAN

My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!

Me: Because my bed is at home.

@KKAlThani

Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you’re just grateful they’re not yours.

@dumbbeezie

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

@trojansauce

[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE

@Rollinintheseat

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”