At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
You Might Also Like
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.