[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Monday Lisa
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.