[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
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me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*