[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
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I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.