Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.