*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Optional boss fight.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Real House Wines.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
