Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?