At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
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[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
The Onion called it…again.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies