At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
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Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
was Jim off killing horses or…
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.