Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Others: I run so I can eat pizza

Me: I just…eat pizza