At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
i can’t wait that long
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Tier 3 meme
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.