At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
You Might Also Like
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n