At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.