At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?