Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

PER MY LAST EMAIL

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*