Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

are they though??

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.