At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
You Might Also Like
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
*Seductively hides in the woods
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.