Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that

see next tweet for some translations

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap