At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
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Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.