At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
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It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.