At my age, “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what you came in there for.
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
ibopfufen
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD