Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”