At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”