Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.