At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
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My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?