At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
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Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.