At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
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“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Denise please return my vape pen
This is painfully accurate 😅
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.