Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Netflix: We have Less

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

sensitive skin

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.