At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
😭😭😭😭
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.