At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
be safe out there!
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.