Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

I try

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

It will always be this

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between