Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.