At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
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I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!