Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@NickBossRoss

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

@markedly

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

@delusions_of

[points at bank account]

“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”

@Cpin42

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

@1_swarthy_dude

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

@Gupton68

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

@Mom_Overboard

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

@kwirkyKerri

Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.

@obijawn

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

@TweetsByKaylee

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?