I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
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ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[points at bank account]
“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?