At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

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[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”


[points at bank account]

“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”


I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters


I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.


dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol


Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.


Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?


[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?