At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
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[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
12. I think about this all the damn time