At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
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Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.