At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
9 circles of hell in this economy?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”